It is very easy to identify someone who is dependent on external things; drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.. We all know these things are dangerous when we are dependent on them, and they change the entire dynamic of how we live our lives. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, an estimated 1 million people in the United States died in the last 10 years as a result of drugs, alcohol and suicide. It’s usually easy to spot these dependencies and addictions, right? I’m pretty sure we all have at least one person in our lives that is dependent on some external things- but what about INTERNAL dependncies? Dependence in a relationship is a huge issue in today’s world, and it too drastically changes the dynamics of how we live our lives. They change how we interact, and they change our friendships, intimate relationships and even our walk with God. Internal dependence isn’t as obvious, and can easily be confused with adoration; but it leads us to many issues that affect our future.

SO WHAT DOES DEPENDENCE LOOK LIKE?

It’s different for everyone, of course. We will dive into specifics shortly, but the big umbrella over the addiction is that dependent people need others to find their happiness. Instead of finding joy in themselves, they find it in the approval, guidance and acceptance of others.

Let’s look at 5 different things that occur with internal dependence.

1. THE CONSTANT NEED OF APPROVAL. People struggling with dependence will always ask for advice, guidance and opinions. Now, we all like to get other’s opinions and it helps us make major decisions; but dependent people need reassurance for the simplest of things. Other’s opinions quickly become the dependent’s decision, and in doing so they are giving up the responsibility of their emotions.

2. INABILITY TO ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES. Just as a responsible adult knows when to cut themselves off from alcoholic beverages or to walk away from the casino, independently strong people know what they won’t tolerate and share space with; dependent people don’t. Which means that dependent people are often labeled a “doormat” because they get their feelings and emotions trampled on. They are also more prone to get involved in an abusive relationship because the narcissistic abuser makes the decisions and sets the boundaries for everyone involved.

3. TERRIFIED TO BE ALONE. For a dependent person, being alone means being unprotected and vulnerable. Feeling unprotected and vulnerable leads to fear and anxiety, which causes them to expect the worst. And just as the Law of Attraction says- when you expect the worst you begin to receive the worst. They often say things like, “This stuff always happens to me”, “of course it isn’t going right”, and “I’m destined to be miserable all the time.” And because they are so scared to be alone, they too often give up their own happiness to please others in order to keep them around. And speaking of giving up their happiness…

4. HAPPINESS DOESN’T DEPEND ON THEM. A dependent person’s happiness isn’t controlled by them, it’s controlled by how the other person feels and acts. If the other person is HAPPY, so it the dependent person. If they are SAD or DEPRESSED, so is the dependent person. Dependent people give up ownership of their own feelings, and become the emotional sponge for whoever they are craving the attention from.

5. RELATIONSHIPS SUFFER. This seems like a pretty obvious one, right? Dependent people seem incapable of being alone outside of the relationships they are in, so the base of the connection becomes NEED instead of LOVE. The fear of being alone, lack of self worth and constant need of approval replace the healthy boundaries, love and worthiness of the relationship.

The concept of relationships suffering due to dependence is something to take note of in our relationship with God as well. Just as we crave LOVE, bliss, and a flourishing relationship with friends and a significant other, God craves the same thing with us. Yes, He is there to support you, for you to lean on and to guide you through tough times, but He also craves that deeper connection. Our walk with God shouldn’t just be us dumping our burdens and praying in times of need; it’s about us cultivating an amazing relationship with Him so we can share His love THROUGH us. Yes, Psalms 55:22 says, “Cast your burden on the Lord and He shall sustain you…” God is there for you to give your burdens to, but LEAVE THEM THERE. To “cast” means to throw forcefully, which means you have to LET GO with intention. We begin to let our dependencies get in the way of our walk with God because instead of casting our burdens, we keep picking them up- day in and day out. It’s time to LET THEM GO!

So, if you find yourself being dependent, and if any of this truly resonated with you, what should you do?

1. Begin a real relationship with YOURSELF. What do you really want out of your own life? What truly makes YOU happy? What’s your favorite food? Movie? Musician? Activity? Sport? Identifying things you enjoy help you find your path to your bliss. Focus on SELF LOVE; say nice things to yourself, forgive yourself for things that you’ve held on to, take care of your body through proper nutrition, sleep and activity. When you focus on things that bring you joy, you will attract more things that bring you joy. Self love and self care is all about being gentle with yourself regardless of everything that is happening around you.

2. Remind yourself that you cannot rely on others to meet your emotional needs. It is simply impossible for the other person to know what you need and when you need it; but YOU know. Having confidence and comfort in your own ability to take care of yourself will drastically improve your your self worth and self esteem.

3. Love yourself FIRST. If you don’t love yourself for all that you are, you cannot fully accept the love others have to give. If you are struggling with self love, even if someone loves you tremendously and tells you how amazing you are, you aren’t able to accept that emotional goodness because you don’t believe you deserve it. So focus on loving YOU. Take yourself out to dinner, buy that book you’ve been wanting to read. Take that dance class, get your hair done, meditate, pray, write, etc… Do whatever you need to do to build that relationship with yourself.

And guess what? The more you love YOURSELF, the more love you have to give to others. And that is when the true magic begins….

#loveMORE #beMORE #doMORE