Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression. It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while emotions are a weakness; where strength and toughness are yardsticks by which men are measured, while supposedly “feminine” traits—which can range from emotional vulnerability to simply not being hypersexual—are the means by which your status as “man” can be taken away.

It is getting so pervasive in our society that it is changing the way men live, how we raise our boys, and how we socially interact.

This term and definition does NOT mean that men and masculinity are toxic. It refers to the assumed normalcy that masculinity is control, aggression and violence and that emotions, compassion and empathy are “girly” or “unmanly”.

Strength is everything, emotions are weakness.

MAN UP. BOYS DON’T CRY. HAVE NO FEAR.

All phrases that we all have heard, many have said, and we are all affected by in some way. The emotionally repressed man has brought us to a place of unbalance, discord, and confusion.

I want to take some time to explore how we got here, the repercussions of it, and to start discussions on how to break out of it for the sake of our boys and future generations.

This toxic masculinity is at it’s roots is really a wounded masculinity, and we need to reconnect to divine masculinity.

So, how did we get here?

It’s become a societal norm to believe that men are strong, and that their value is determined by their status, money and toughness. And because everything has an equal and opposite reaction, women are then perceived as weak, holding less value in our society and are often viewed as sexual objects. Boys are taught from a very young age to repress emotions and vulnerability because they are supposed to be “tough”, and that their worth as a young man increases by sexual conquests and ego driven behavior.

Emotions are bottled up and repressed so much because men don’t feel able or allowed to express them. We are so busy putting on a show to prove how much of a man we are that we are creating a cycle of hurt and pain that is causing us to suffer in secret. These repressed emotions lead to fear based emotions which in turn lead to fear based action which usually is anger. Anger is always a secondary emotion; there is a root emotion that created the anger. Insecurity, inadequacy, grief, loneliness, disappointment and jealousy are just a few of the hundreds of emotions men keep under the surface because they are afraid to express them.

This repression has serious consequences:

⁃ 14 million U.S. men, about 1 out of every 10, report feelings of anxiety and depression. And only half of the 14 million actually seek treatment or assistance.

⁃ 79% of suicides in the U.S. are men; 1 man takes his life about every 20 minutes.

⁃ 97% of mass shootings in the U.S. are committed by men. 52% of the shooters come from a history of domestic violence.

The dominance and control that comes out of toxic masculinity devalues women and emotion, and over values self reliance.

And because of that irrational need for self reliance, men are so hesitant to share their feelings and emotions. It’s difficult for us to cultivate real relationships; especially with other men. Our conversations revolve around stroking our egos, sports and women and we avoid real conversations about life, disappointment and joy. It is reported that only 11% of single men feel that they have someone to confide in a time of need; that means 89% believe they have no one. “Social” media perpetuates the problem because it completely takes away the human element of relationships; we’d rather comment on statuses and send memes to each other instead of picking up the phone and making real connections.

So how do we break of this cycle? How do we begin to heal and move forward as men, and as a society?

1. Eliminate Passivity. As men, we love to put off the important stuff and focus on things that distract and really don’t matter, don’t we? Why should I talk about my heartbreak and loneliness when we can all get riled up and talk about the football game? Why focus on my heart and relationship with God when I can distract myself with working harder? Find what the root causes of your negative feelings are, and go at them aggressively. Get messy, get dirty, and overcome all the things that are bringing you down. “You can’t heal what you can’t feel”.

2. Celebrate Responsibility. As a man, it’s in our DNA to protect, to teach and to lead the ones we love the most. Embrace that, and know that by investing in your family and loved ones, you are creating a healthy emotional environment for them to thrive in. God calls us men to be the head of the household as Christ is the head of the church; which means we are to lead selflessly with a sacrificial love.

3. Lead Courageously. I found a wonderful definition of courage earlier today by Dr. Robert Anthony. He says, “Courage is simply willingness to be afraid and act anyway.” Being vulnerable is daunting, and it can be scary to reach out. But it’s even scarier to hold it all in and watch it explode on the people you love the most. Stand firm in your love, and be willing to give protection, provision and direction to those you love without expectation of reciprocation.

4. Invest Eternally. It’s time to stop focusing on immediate pleasures and superficial joys. Invest in key relationships, and find your normalcy, joy and fruitfulness in a daily pursuit of who God has called you to be. As Micah 6:8 says, we are called to “act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

Men, we need to receive love and acceptance, and we need to give the same. It’s time to start breaking down the walls around us, be vunerable and allow the healing to begin.

Men, what can you do to make a difference in your life? What other men can you reach out to today to connect and grow with? Women, what can you do help men in your life heal and grow?

It’s time to heal, it’s time to elevate!

#beMORE #doMORE